Emotion

...is one of the most difficult things for me to write about. That's probably why I'm stuggling so much with putting my thoughts about faith into words - a lot of it is felt as well as experienced objectively, and I get bogged down in the narrative chain of "this happened, then that happened," without trying to break down the feelings and discuss those.

It's frustrating for me, but in a good way.

I get frustrated, too, when people ask me to explain why I believe in God, or what I feel that makes me believe. I want to do a lot of mental arm-waving. "I mean, I mean...just look!" Emotion gets in my way.

When I think about it, though, any emotion is hard to quantify. You can't really prove objectively that you love or trust someone, you just know that you do. You can point to things that demonstrate lovable or trustworthy qualities to you, but those same qualities may not have the same effect on another person.

In the same way, I know that I have faith in God. I feel it. But it's really hard for me to explain it to someone else.

Bible Reading

Are there right and wrong ways to do it?

I don't mean Bible study; I know there are a bunch of recommended methods depending on what you want to learn and what you are doing.

But I have never read all of the Bible and I want to. For now, I'm zipping through the New Testament. I started out hunting and pecking, but when that wasn't getting me anywhere, I settled down to a pace of 3-5 chapters a night. I started at the end and read the book of Revelation straight through.

In hindsight, this was probably a mistake, because not only do Biblical scholars disagree on its meaning, but it presupposes a lot of knowledge I didn't have. The thing is, I'm not sorry I started out there; it was sort of a preview of things to come.

Plus, I love a challenge. This trait gets me into trouble sometimes.

Anyway, after the interesting but hair-raising experience of reading the end before the middle, I went back to Matthew and read through the Gospels and am now working through the rest of the New Testament.

When it comes to the Old Testament, I will probably read a few chapters and then switch off with Psalms or Proverbs, because I remember finding Genesis slow going in the past. I do like the translation I'm using, though. The language isn't as poetic as the language in the King James version, but the texts make more sense to me.

Faith and Science

I want to begin this post by saying that I see no contradiction between the two. It puzzles me that so many people on both sides do, but then I was raised by a church-going physicist. The acceptance of God as being beyond man's understanding and science as a tool to enrich man's understanding seems natural to me.

Anyway. Last night I was lambasted by a baffled friend for being both smart and religious. To him, the two don't go together. To me, intelligence and faith are by no means mutually exclusive.

We started out discussing things calmly enough; we talked of Von Neumann probes and Turing machines and other thought experiments. But when I started trying to get around to answering his question about belief, he started using words and phrases like "delusional" and "invisible friend with super-powers".

I was surprised and a little saddened that a brilliant man (an electrical engineer with an impressive number of patents to his name) could be reduced to name-calling like a five-year-old so quickly.

I guessed that he'd been reading Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion, and it happened that I was right - I suggested Modern Physics and Ancient Faith or The Faith of a Physicist for different viewpoints, but he wasn't having any. A book he didn't like (not one of the two I had recommended) had turned him off the entire genre, he said.

Then something else hit me.

Are you angry because you think I'm wrong, I asked, or are you afraid that I might be right?

...I've got more to say on this subject, but that's enough for one post.

Mystery

I think this is one of the things that draws me most to religion in general and to Christianity in particular. I want there to be something bigger and harder to understand than myself in my life, and I'm not talking about my car or my furnace.

According to my concordance, the word "mystery" (including its cognates "mysteries" and "mysterious") occurs 38 times in the Old and New Testaments combined. (I'm using the New American Standard Bible; it's the translation I started reading and I really like it.) That's not a lot, but considering that the words with the really high appearance counts are words like "much," it's not too shabby, either.

I need a God I can't understand. I crave mystery.

I think some people feel the opposite way, but for me, "knowing God" doesn't mean understanding Him. I can't fathom the vastness of space, or how gravity works, so I'm perfectly happy in my acceptance of God as mysterious and infinite.

Paul speaks of the "mystery of the faith" in 1 Timothy 3:9 (see, concordances are handy! I love being able to look stuff up) and that's what I feel about my own faith. It's a mystery, and I don't know why I feel the way I do, but it's nonetheless real, and I feel that I was meant to feel this way.

...I don't need a concordance to tell me that I over-used "feel" in the last paragraph, but I'm going to let it stand.

While I'm on the subject, there's a fabulous Judeo-Christian arts quarterly called Image that's just gorgeous. On the masthead are the words "Arts - Faith - Mystery"; I love that the intersection of those three inspires so many people. Check it out if you've a mind to.

A book I liked and another I didn't

I read a lot. It's almost a vice, I love it so much. Words. Yum.

Lately I've been reading a lot of books on and about Christianity. Classic classics like St. Augustine (whose name I think I've finally learnt to pronounce properly), more modern classics like C.S. Lewis, and books more modern still, like the two I am going to discuss.

I should preface this next part by saying that this isn't a review in the sense of rating or discussing the literary merits of the books, but rather a ramble about whether or not I liked them and why.

First book: The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. This was the one I didn't like. I want to start by saying that there's nothing wrong with the book! It was well-written. Just not to my taste in the way that It's a Wonderful Life is not to my taste, and I always feel slightly guilty whenever I say that. A lot of people love the movie, and a lot of people love the book. I just can't seem to get beyond the depressing bits to get to the happy bits, emotionally; for some reason it feels as thought the happy parts are artifically tacked on; I don't know why. I know that's not the case. If you don't have my peculiar (and I do mean peculiar) psychological makeup, you may very well like the book.

Second book: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I loved this book. LOVED it. The subtitle is "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality" and I think nearly anyone, Christian or non-Christian, would like it. Seriously. The author has a disarming, chatty style full of (metaphorical) curveballs that makes you feel like you're having a conversation with him instead of reading a book. I loved the part where he and some friends set up a Confession Booth at a college arts fair. When people came in, the Christians confessed to the other kids. "We're sorry for the Crusades," "We apologize for some televangelists that may have offended you." It's performance art, but it got the point across. No one is perfect and no group is perfect, and the most important thing is to talk about it.

I've put all this badly, as usual, but I just loved the book.

Taking the Plunge

The big event alluded to in my last post (first post) (the only other one on here so far) is this:

I got baptized last Sunday. Finally!

I was raised in Protestantism, but in a much more casual atmosphere, and like so many people, I eventually drifted away and stopped going to church. I met some Southern Baptists through work and couldn't stop talking with them about their faith. It seemed to do so much for them; to make such a difference in their lives, and I knew I wanted that close relationship with God, too.

Being baptized is something I've wanted for quite awhile now, and I'm so happy to have done it. Four days later and I'm still glowing.

I drove through a snowstorm to get there, too. The couple in charge of Helping People Get Baptized said they were all taking bets on whether I would show up or not because of the weather. Hah! As if a little weather would stop me.

I dripped slightly and smelled of chlorine all through the service.

It was wonderful.

We took Communion that day, too - my first Lord's Supper as a believer.

It's difficult for me to write well about things that move me deeply, but this really did.

First Post

I guess it's finally time for me to kick off this blog that no one will read but me (since I've told very few people about it).

If you've stumbled onto this page by mistake, hi!

I have another online journal, one that's private and quite silly. This one is meant to be a place where I can sort out the amazing, life-changing thing that happened to me. It began over a year ago, and REALLY began this past Sunday. I'll explain more about that in a later post.

For now I just want to write about what happened, rather than about how it happened and what I did about it.

I found my Faith. I'm now a Christian. And I couldn't be happier about it.

The reactions of those who know and love me (and there are some, honestly) fell into two main categories: 1.) Shock/Disbelief/Have-You-Gone-Mad/Is-This-a-Joke? and 2.) "HOORAY!!!!"

I'd been expecting the #1s, but the number of the #2s surprised and elated me. Sometimes I don't have enough faith in people.

Make that "I often don't." But oh, is it ever lovely to be surprised in that way.

More tomorrow, if I don't give up.

Oh: Here is what I plan to post about. 1.) My journey (which sometimes seems more like a ramble) as a new Christian, 2.) A few photos I've taken (digital photography is one of my hobbies), and 3.) my thoughts about the faith-related books I'm reading (I'm a real bookworm).

Over and out.