Wow!

Valor played at our church today. I really liked their music.

Church was wonderful today overall - the energy, the sermon, the Sunday school class, and it seems like we get more new people every week.

It's exciting.

Another angel monument...

...because I am too tired (but it's a good tired) to write a lot of words, and because I love looking at angel statues.



I can't wait until the weather is warm...I take more photos then.

A milestone

Last night I finished reading all of the New Testament through for the first time ever, and I'm much more pleased with myself than I have any right to be. It took me from early December until now, reading 3-5 chapters a night, and, well, yay.

Tonight's Bible study went well too and really energized me.

Excelsior. On to the Old Testament.

Low Church vs. High Church

I've been thinking a lot about this subject lately, having had similar conversations with three different groups of people over the last couple of weeks.

An interesting example of synchronicity...possibly partially explained by the fact that this is the beginning of Lent for those of you of the High Church persuasion.

When I first started attending Baptist services, I was really surprised at the differences compared to the ones offered by the Presbyterian church I'd attended while growing up...and those were more Middle Church than High.

Middle Church is like High Church, but with hobbits.

(...sorry.)

Where were the raised wooden pulpit, the choir robes, the colored altar cloths? Why was there no mention of the church calendar? No hymnals, no pews?

COOL.

This was fresh, new, and different, and I liked it. A lot.

There are a lot of things I love about High Church traditions. The familiarity of the services, the organized movement through the ecclesiastical year, the beauty of gothic stone construction and stained glass windows...aesthetically, it's lovely and graceful.

But it's Low Church that really moves me. I love that we start out singing praises, and that the songs are modern gospel songs you might hear on the radio. I love learning new music. I love that there are no pre-set ecumenical guidelines for which sermons to preach on which Sundays - the pastor prepares sermons and speaks as the spirit moves him. I love that we all greet each other. I love having so many opportunities to learn and study the Bible. I really love the emphasis on the teachings of Jesus.

It's a living faith. It's something I use in my daily life. (I know that not everyone reacts the same way to the same type of service, which is why choice is good.)

Interestingly, the novel I'm currently reading (The Perpetual Curate, by Margaret Oliphant - I am addicted to Victorian fiction) touches on this subject as well. The curate of the title is Anglican, torn between a rector who wants to stop him doing mission work in poor neighborhoods because it hasn't been offically approved yet, and his three brash and evangelical aunts who attend services with disapproving looks, ask loudly about Dissenting chapels, and are shocked that money is spent on altar flowers and surplices when there are people starving.

You can't please everyone. (And why is it that so many evangelical characters in mainstream literature are either comic or dastardly or both? I suppose that's another subject for another time. Mrs. Oliphant quite fairly plays both extremes off each other - I'll be interested to see how the story ends.)

My faith in God doesn't falter but my faith in people does.

I haven't posted much lately because I've been going through some things, mainly health- and weather-related.

Sometimes it's hard being the new kid, especially when things go wrong and people don't know you well. They tend to leap to conclusions that usually have more to do with their past experiences than anything you've done.

I guess it's hard for them too. People new to faith come in at all levels - for me, I'm pretty advanced in some areas, and I need way beyond basic remedial help in others. It's uneven, and I end up hearing the same things I already know over and over, while not getting to the parts I need to learn.

Right now I'm feeling worn, discouraged, and disappointed.

It's weird, though. I never blame God; God's the guy who gets me through. I don't really blame people either; they're doing the best they can.

I'm a category-buster in nearly every part of my life; I don't fit neatly into boxes tidily labeled with common preconceptions. I need my own box.

This means that I'm unusually useful in some ways...but it also means that I'm often overlooked or discarded.

I can't change the circumstances of my life and I can't change the way people react to me, but maybe I can change my mindset so that I don't expect people to see me clearly when they can't.

I don't know how to fix this in myself, but God probably knows.

Another photo

...because I'm lazy. I had a text entry written out in longhand, but I'm too tired to want to type it up, so here instead is another photo. This one was taken a few years back in the back garden of an abandoned house in early spring. A friend and I were out driving around, looking for picture material, and we drove past this. I'm not sure if it was part of a trellis or something else, but it looked interesting, especially with the vines on it.

Michael (I think)

I said when I created this blog that one of the things I wanted to do with it was post photos. Since we're in the midst of a blizzard, I'm editing some older shots. This one was taken in summer of 2005 at a local cemetery. I don't see archangels in cemetery art very often, and this was a lovely, eloquent statue.

Letting God drive

I can be a bit of a control freak.

This is a useful quality when I'm at work and I'm trying to make sure I've done everything properly.

It's not so good when applied to my life as a whole.

I originally came to faith when I encountered something I couldn't deal with; I asked God for help, and He came through. But it's still hard for me! When things are going well, I want to drive because I feel like I know where I'm going. When things are going not-so-well, I want to drive because I panic and try to grab the wheel.

Adults make their own decisions, right?

Yes and no. Yes, I do, but I pray about things first. If I omit this, I find I'm invariably reminded that I've left out something crucial.

I wish it wasn't so hard. I have to learn the same lesson over and over.

(I deleted a previous post about the kaffiyeh as fashion trend because I thought it was too open to misinterpretation. Link goes to a New York Times article. Instead I have substituted my regularly-scheduled navel-gazing.)

"Trainwrecks" and compassion

I've heard more than one person say they're not going to read or discuss any of the past week's "trainwrecks" (by which they usually mean the Astronaut Love Triangle Thing and Anna Nichole Smith's death)...and while this response may well be right for the people speaking, I feel differently.

While the glee with which the media greets such spectacular tragedies is certainly unseemly, I don't think turning away is right either. I mean, most people who read the news don't know either of these two personally and can't do anything about either situation - but I think it's a good thing to apply lessons learned to our own lives.

I genuinely feel sorry for both these women. They seem (or seemed) so lost - in spite of the fact that they both had a lot going for them in a certain area (in one case, looks; in the other, brains), but clearly they ran into more than they could handle and they broke under the strain.

We all have our breaking points. I fully believe that it's the duty of the strong to protect the weak - and I don't mean just physical strength, I mean mental, emotional, whatever is needed. I'm not talking about enabling or encouraging dependence. Sometimes the strongest and best thing we can do is to walk away. But not always.

People do strange things when they feel a lack of love in their lives. I wish I was better at sharing my faith; I think it's better to turn to God when you feel like you need unconditional love, because too often, people can't give it. God always can.

And yet - you can't share faith with someone who isn't ready to hear it, either. That does more harm than good...which is why it's still up to us to help each other.

We're our sisters' keepers.

Just sayin'.

Going out to Bible Study, even in sub-zero temperatures, is a joy.

Stopping for gas in sub-zero temperatures is not a joy.

There's been a lot I've wanted to say here recently, but since this week has been so chaotic, I haven't posted any of it.

Prayerlets

This is something I do that I haven't really asked anyone about for fear that they'll tell me I'm Doing It Wrong.

Sometimes I just...talk to God, kind of informally. I mean, I do the formal kind of praying too, the kind that has something specific to communicate, but in stressful situations, I shoot little prayerlets to God every few minutes - the way I shoot emails or messages to friends sometimes. (This habit is either endearing or annoying, depending upon your mood and/or point of view, I guess.)

For instance, today. I was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic in a blizzard, and my normally-45-minute commute took over 3 1/2 hours. I listened to the radio; I called everyone in my cell phone (some people twice). And I talked to God.

Not out loud.

Me: God...You there?
Me: Okay, that was dumb. Of course You are. Got a minute?
Me: ...Oops, that was dumb too. I mean, You're infinite. You made time. Right? I think...I'm going to look that up when I get home...
Me: Wait, that wasn't what I meant to say! I'm rambling, I know.
Me: It's about this blizzard.
Me: I know You have a reason for it, and I know I'm stuck in it for a reason.
Me: Or maybe it's just weather...
Me: ...no wait, that's not right. A reason.
Me: Could You please let me get home in one piece?
Me: ...And everyone else too, I mean?
Me: If it's in accordance with Your design and all?
Me: I think I've moved maybe two feet in the last half hour...
Me: Is this to teach me patience?
Me: If it is, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Me: Sorry.
Me: Amen.

And like that.

It's sort of like IMing with God.

I feel like He answers, too, but I think sometimes He feels rather bemused by me. (Behold my hubris.)

Music

I'm still home sick today (blah), so I'm doing what I normally do when I'm not up to much - reading and listening to music.

I think it was a few years ago that a friend first mentioned that he liked to listen to a Christian radio station, and I remember being incredulous: why would you want to listen to hymns all day long? (You can see how vast was my ignorance.)

It wasn't until this past year when another friend clued me in to WGNR, the local MBN affiliate, that I discovered the world of Christian contemporary music.

What can I say? I'm slow...but better late than never. Now I've got an entire Christian Contemporary/Gospel playlist, from which I fill my iPod Shuffle. It helps the workday go lots faster, and it makes me feel good just to listen to it.

I think everyone knows about Jars of Clay, but other artists I like include Steven Curtis Chapman, Nichole Nordeman, and Caedmon's Call.

It's a whole new musical world for me, inspiring and uplifting, and one I'm having a great deal of pleasure in exploring.

Missing church

I missed church today. I have a medical reason for not going, but it's interesting to me that before I began attending again regularly I didn't feel the lack, yet now it really bothers me when I can't make it.

It's not a guilt-thing either. I really love my church, I love the people there, and I get a lot out of going. I feel happy afterwards and I feel like it starts the week off in the right way.

It's funny that it became so important so quickly. I think a lot of the difference has been finding the right place for me; when I was growing up there were things I liked about the church we attended and things I didn't; I felt like I'd been responsible after attending, but also relieved that it was over.

The way I feel now is worlds apart. When I don't go I feel deprived - it's like having to skip dessert rather than getting out of a chore.

(I was going to say "when I miss church now, I really miss church," but that's a pretty dreadful pun. And a punchline wasn't the point of the post.)

I'm mad now.

Large organizations are using the excuse of copyright infringement to curtail activities where no such infringement was intended...in my opinion.

I could cite the examples of experiences friends have had with music and television programs, but I won't, because I'm talking about the NFL.

The church I attend had planned to have a SuperBowl party, with food and childcare, so that everyone who wanted to could watch with their friends...and the NFL said no.

First the church was told that it couldn't ask people to chip in for food, because that was "charging admission". Even when it was explained that the donations were for food and not for watching the game, it was still thumbs down. Okay then; the party was still on.

But now (I quote from the church's website),

the NFL believes we would be in violation of the Copyright Act, because we had planned to show the game on a screen bigger than a 55 inch diagonal. We have appealed to their legal counsel and exhausted all options without success. We have been informed that the only exceptions to view the game are given to sports bars and restaurants.

Since it's cancel the event or go to court, the event is being cancelled.

I don't get it, but I'm really disappointed.

Lost in translation(s)

Biblegateway.com is a word lover's dream. With over 40 languages and over 20 versions of the Bible in English alone, it's easy to get lost for hours. (Everyone knows this, I know, but I can post the obvious if I like.)

I still love the feel of a book in my hands, though - no matter how dependent I get on the internet for reference, I love being able to curl up with a book, cary it around with me, turn the pages, and get to know it.

My reading Bible is a small, black, bonded-leather-bound version with a cover that snaps; it was a gift from a friend. The translation is NASB, but I also want to start reading a bit in King James. Our church, along with a lot of others, uses NIV.

And there are so many others! What is the difference between New King James, 21st Century King James, and King James Revised? What is this Holman version?

And how cool is it that you can find Greek and Hebrew Biblical dictionaries online? Not to mention Aramaic reference helps for Ezra and Daniel and probably some other books I'm not aware of, because this is all new and awesome.

I'm back to wanting to pick up the little Ancient Greek I recall from college and dust it off and learn more...and I want to learn Ancient Hebrew now too.

Part of it is wanting to pick up all the nuances of meaning in all the differenct languages, but quite a bit of it (for me) is just sheer delight in unabashed wordgeekery...and continuing amazement at the universality of the message.

Emotion

...is one of the most difficult things for me to write about. That's probably why I'm stuggling so much with putting my thoughts about faith into words - a lot of it is felt as well as experienced objectively, and I get bogged down in the narrative chain of "this happened, then that happened," without trying to break down the feelings and discuss those.

It's frustrating for me, but in a good way.

I get frustrated, too, when people ask me to explain why I believe in God, or what I feel that makes me believe. I want to do a lot of mental arm-waving. "I mean, I mean...just look!" Emotion gets in my way.

When I think about it, though, any emotion is hard to quantify. You can't really prove objectively that you love or trust someone, you just know that you do. You can point to things that demonstrate lovable or trustworthy qualities to you, but those same qualities may not have the same effect on another person.

In the same way, I know that I have faith in God. I feel it. But it's really hard for me to explain it to someone else.

Bible Reading

Are there right and wrong ways to do it?

I don't mean Bible study; I know there are a bunch of recommended methods depending on what you want to learn and what you are doing.

But I have never read all of the Bible and I want to. For now, I'm zipping through the New Testament. I started out hunting and pecking, but when that wasn't getting me anywhere, I settled down to a pace of 3-5 chapters a night. I started at the end and read the book of Revelation straight through.

In hindsight, this was probably a mistake, because not only do Biblical scholars disagree on its meaning, but it presupposes a lot of knowledge I didn't have. The thing is, I'm not sorry I started out there; it was sort of a preview of things to come.

Plus, I love a challenge. This trait gets me into trouble sometimes.

Anyway, after the interesting but hair-raising experience of reading the end before the middle, I went back to Matthew and read through the Gospels and am now working through the rest of the New Testament.

When it comes to the Old Testament, I will probably read a few chapters and then switch off with Psalms or Proverbs, because I remember finding Genesis slow going in the past. I do like the translation I'm using, though. The language isn't as poetic as the language in the King James version, but the texts make more sense to me.

Faith and Science

I want to begin this post by saying that I see no contradiction between the two. It puzzles me that so many people on both sides do, but then I was raised by a church-going physicist. The acceptance of God as being beyond man's understanding and science as a tool to enrich man's understanding seems natural to me.

Anyway. Last night I was lambasted by a baffled friend for being both smart and religious. To him, the two don't go together. To me, intelligence and faith are by no means mutually exclusive.

We started out discussing things calmly enough; we talked of Von Neumann probes and Turing machines and other thought experiments. But when I started trying to get around to answering his question about belief, he started using words and phrases like "delusional" and "invisible friend with super-powers".

I was surprised and a little saddened that a brilliant man (an electrical engineer with an impressive number of patents to his name) could be reduced to name-calling like a five-year-old so quickly.

I guessed that he'd been reading Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion, and it happened that I was right - I suggested Modern Physics and Ancient Faith or The Faith of a Physicist for different viewpoints, but he wasn't having any. A book he didn't like (not one of the two I had recommended) had turned him off the entire genre, he said.

Then something else hit me.

Are you angry because you think I'm wrong, I asked, or are you afraid that I might be right?

...I've got more to say on this subject, but that's enough for one post.

Mystery

I think this is one of the things that draws me most to religion in general and to Christianity in particular. I want there to be something bigger and harder to understand than myself in my life, and I'm not talking about my car or my furnace.

According to my concordance, the word "mystery" (including its cognates "mysteries" and "mysterious") occurs 38 times in the Old and New Testaments combined. (I'm using the New American Standard Bible; it's the translation I started reading and I really like it.) That's not a lot, but considering that the words with the really high appearance counts are words like "much," it's not too shabby, either.

I need a God I can't understand. I crave mystery.

I think some people feel the opposite way, but for me, "knowing God" doesn't mean understanding Him. I can't fathom the vastness of space, or how gravity works, so I'm perfectly happy in my acceptance of God as mysterious and infinite.

Paul speaks of the "mystery of the faith" in 1 Timothy 3:9 (see, concordances are handy! I love being able to look stuff up) and that's what I feel about my own faith. It's a mystery, and I don't know why I feel the way I do, but it's nonetheless real, and I feel that I was meant to feel this way.

...I don't need a concordance to tell me that I over-used "feel" in the last paragraph, but I'm going to let it stand.

While I'm on the subject, there's a fabulous Judeo-Christian arts quarterly called Image that's just gorgeous. On the masthead are the words "Arts - Faith - Mystery"; I love that the intersection of those three inspires so many people. Check it out if you've a mind to.

A book I liked and another I didn't

I read a lot. It's almost a vice, I love it so much. Words. Yum.

Lately I've been reading a lot of books on and about Christianity. Classic classics like St. Augustine (whose name I think I've finally learnt to pronounce properly), more modern classics like C.S. Lewis, and books more modern still, like the two I am going to discuss.

I should preface this next part by saying that this isn't a review in the sense of rating or discussing the literary merits of the books, but rather a ramble about whether or not I liked them and why.

First book: The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. This was the one I didn't like. I want to start by saying that there's nothing wrong with the book! It was well-written. Just not to my taste in the way that It's a Wonderful Life is not to my taste, and I always feel slightly guilty whenever I say that. A lot of people love the movie, and a lot of people love the book. I just can't seem to get beyond the depressing bits to get to the happy bits, emotionally; for some reason it feels as thought the happy parts are artifically tacked on; I don't know why. I know that's not the case. If you don't have my peculiar (and I do mean peculiar) psychological makeup, you may very well like the book.

Second book: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I loved this book. LOVED it. The subtitle is "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality" and I think nearly anyone, Christian or non-Christian, would like it. Seriously. The author has a disarming, chatty style full of (metaphorical) curveballs that makes you feel like you're having a conversation with him instead of reading a book. I loved the part where he and some friends set up a Confession Booth at a college arts fair. When people came in, the Christians confessed to the other kids. "We're sorry for the Crusades," "We apologize for some televangelists that may have offended you." It's performance art, but it got the point across. No one is perfect and no group is perfect, and the most important thing is to talk about it.

I've put all this badly, as usual, but I just loved the book.

Taking the Plunge

The big event alluded to in my last post (first post) (the only other one on here so far) is this:

I got baptized last Sunday. Finally!

I was raised in Protestantism, but in a much more casual atmosphere, and like so many people, I eventually drifted away and stopped going to church. I met some Southern Baptists through work and couldn't stop talking with them about their faith. It seemed to do so much for them; to make such a difference in their lives, and I knew I wanted that close relationship with God, too.

Being baptized is something I've wanted for quite awhile now, and I'm so happy to have done it. Four days later and I'm still glowing.

I drove through a snowstorm to get there, too. The couple in charge of Helping People Get Baptized said they were all taking bets on whether I would show up or not because of the weather. Hah! As if a little weather would stop me.

I dripped slightly and smelled of chlorine all through the service.

It was wonderful.

We took Communion that day, too - my first Lord's Supper as a believer.

It's difficult for me to write well about things that move me deeply, but this really did.

First Post

I guess it's finally time for me to kick off this blog that no one will read but me (since I've told very few people about it).

If you've stumbled onto this page by mistake, hi!

I have another online journal, one that's private and quite silly. This one is meant to be a place where I can sort out the amazing, life-changing thing that happened to me. It began over a year ago, and REALLY began this past Sunday. I'll explain more about that in a later post.

For now I just want to write about what happened, rather than about how it happened and what I did about it.

I found my Faith. I'm now a Christian. And I couldn't be happier about it.

The reactions of those who know and love me (and there are some, honestly) fell into two main categories: 1.) Shock/Disbelief/Have-You-Gone-Mad/Is-This-a-Joke? and 2.) "HOORAY!!!!"

I'd been expecting the #1s, but the number of the #2s surprised and elated me. Sometimes I don't have enough faith in people.

Make that "I often don't." But oh, is it ever lovely to be surprised in that way.

More tomorrow, if I don't give up.

Oh: Here is what I plan to post about. 1.) My journey (which sometimes seems more like a ramble) as a new Christian, 2.) A few photos I've taken (digital photography is one of my hobbies), and 3.) my thoughts about the faith-related books I'm reading (I'm a real bookworm).

Over and out.